Bachelorette Party Toast

Pipe down, everyone. The stripper isn't allowed out of the bedroom/closet/office until you've listened to me. So pay attention. I'm _____________ (name), and I have the misfortune to be _________(bride's name) _______________ (relationship). I'm here to talk her out of it. I mean, talk about it to her. About her to you. Okay, who spiked the punch/coffee? Could I have another, please?

This is just a prelude to the "big" event- getting married. It's what we've been working for since we were old enough to ask for the Barbie and Ken prenuptial package. The trouble is so many girls get so excited about nothing…and then they marry him.

Marriage is supposed to be a partnership, a give and take kind of thing. It sure doesn't start off that way. We pay $5,000 for the wedding dress and they pay a hundred bucks to rent a tuxedo. I ask you, is that fair? And wedding plans? All they have to do is show up. Although with some guys even that is a problem, because they won't stop to ask directions to the church. Then there is the whole name thing. They never have to worry about changing theirs, or hyphenating it. If you can get them to change their socks, you're already ahead of the game.

At least you can depend on starting married life in a state of bliss, ________(bride). As long as you remember that at heart, men are always happy. They're such simple creatures, why wouldn't they be? After all, ___________(groom) can wear a T-shirt to a water park. He can wear a wet T-shirt at the water park. He can even go without a T-shirt, to a water park. I mean, think about it ladies…men only have one mood, two pairs of shoes, and their underwear is $8.95 for a pack of three. Men have no mid-life crisis because they're permanently stuck in adolescence. How much more simple can life get?

_______(bride) honey, sweetheart, dear, dear, friend…I want you to remember three little bits of advice I like to give all victims- I mean engaged ladies. -If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach…you're aiming too high. -When your woman's work is never done…it's because all those leftover chores are things you asked your husband to do. -and women do not make fools of men…they are pretty much do-it-yourself enthusiasts.

Now, if we all have our beverages, I would like to ask everyone to raise theirs in a toast to the soon-to-be-married, lady of the hour. (Optional: ______(bride's name) we put Viagra in yours, to make sure you had a stiff enough...spine, to go through with it.)

Here's to our bride-to-be
In these last moments while she is free,
Remember talking is fine, But a gun keeps him in line,
And if he steps out, he'll answer to me.

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